Emotional Trauma from Adoption

adoption tears

Emotional trauma from adoption

Adoption is not easy. Both for the adoption parent(s) or the child.

Nowadays there are a lot of great guides, books & literature including groups and communities to help smooth the process and give you the emotional support both prior to the adoption and afterwards. A lot depends on the age of the adopted child.

Depending on the child’s background, what happened to the original birth parent(s) and home situation may already have damaged the child’s emotions and self esteem. The foetus picks up feelings from the mother even before birth. Whether mom was sick, sad, angry and frightened or happy, contented, healthy and loved.

Some kids are in the system due to conditions in their homes breaking down. Some women don’t make good mothers, some men get into trouble with the law, lose their jobs, panic at the prospect of becoming a parent and abandon mother and child. The mother is unable to cope. So the state gets the child. It’s very sad when that happens. Many kids especially the boys become unsettled and misbehave as a way of getting attention. This makes the problem worse, as they get kicked from school to school, home to home. When you adopt an older child, you need to be aware of their history.

Do you tell them or not?

There’s also the possibility that the birth mother regrets giving away her child and tries to make contact. Or the child feels that something is not right, finds out that they’re adopted and wants to find their birth mother. Do you tell them that they’re adopted? If you don’t tell them or too late or they find out later when their birth mother/parent is dead, they may be angry with you. They cannot have closure about that part of their lives.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/387661480400523864/

Unhappy and bitter

I have a relative who was adopted. She said that her adopted mother was loving and kind to her. Yet she grew up with low self esteem and felt angry and bitter about her life. Not sure if her other siblings accepted her or mistreated her. She seemed to avoid talking about them when I asked. She became a very unhappy and unpleasant person to be with. Sad and angry inside but outwardly she’s critical and complaining. Many people try to avoid her as much as possible. I spent some time talking to her in the past but she didn’t respond. She even went to church. But nothing seemed to change.

Some people carry emotional scars from their childhood until they find a way to let go. If they ever do.

Understand why you want to do it and what’s involved

If you’re thinking of adopting, please make sure that you understand what’s involved. It requires a lot of strength, courage and maturity. Let alone money & resources to support the adopted child. Ask yourself why you want to do it. Can you cope if it goes wrong?

It may be a long hard road and not the idealised dream that you were expecting. Talk to other parents who have adopted and listen.

Learn from their mistakes to avoid making unnecessary ones. Have a support system to help you through the tough times.

God bless.

 

 

Never underestimate the power of making peace with your past!

Never underestimate the power of making peace with your past

“Life is short. Play hard.” We’ve heard this before.

When you’re carrying around emotional baggage, it hurts!
Emotional baggage is all the pain, the hurts, the blame and shame, disappointments and frustrations you have accumulated over the period of your life.

  • It hurts you more than the other person
  • It stops you from playing the biggest game of your life!
  • It keeps you stuck, unfulfilled and going round in circles… until you finally had enough and decide to make a fresh start, a new beginning.

But if you haven’t made peace with your past, nothing really changes. The faces and places may change but the `dramas’ stay the same. Sometimes they get even worse!

There’s a saying… “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die…

You can replace the word `anger’ with pain, hurts, fear, frustration, depression, stress and any other negative emotions.

Then there are the judgments! Judgments that people have made on you and those that you have made on other people. How would you like to live a life without judgments?

Just google `judgments’ (sometimes spelt with an e) and this is just one of the findings:

http://www.supremecourt.vic.gov.au/home/law+and+practice/judgments+and+sentences/

If this resonates with you, please stop drinking the fatal Kool-Aid and get help to release the pain from your past.

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison

Photo credit: Flickr: Nisha A – beauty of the wide blue sky.

A self-aware person can do anything!

A Self-aware person can do anything
A Self-aware person can do anything

 

Making peace with your past, making peace with yourself cannot be under-estimated.

When you look into the mirror, do you like what you see?

A self-aware person knows themselves. They’ve taken time to examine their lives, to release emotional baggage, to check their beliefs to see if there are any negative or self limiting beliefs holding them back and to do any necessary fine-tuning to help them get to the next stage of their lives.

A self-aware person makes good decisions to move on, to release and let go, so that they can step confidently into the future of their own choosing instead of being stuck or trapped in the past of `same old, same old’…

Sometimes it helps to have another person to coach them and to hold them accountable to their new goals. They may get help to release and let go of emotional baggage.  Also, it can be easier to `unload’ to a stranger who knows nothing about you and who can be objective. Having someone to listen to you and support you through each stage of the recovery process is something which you need to experience for yourself to understand how invaluable it is.

During Jack Canfield’s Breakthrough To Success program which I attended in August 2013 in Tucson, Arizona, he gave us `homework’ to do everyday of the 5-day event. One of which was to `talk’ to ourselves in the mirror. Some people actually found it incredibly hard to do, as they have lost touch with themselves, found it hard to even look at their reflection in the mirror and to look at the eyes staring back at them.

Please contact me if you would like to make peace with your past, with yourself.

A self-aware person is really the master of yourself! It’s incredibly powerful! Please give yourself the gift of your own personal power.

Stop hiding from yourself and the incredible contribution that you are to the world!

Photo credit: Flickr: Earth-Bound Misfit, I – Blue Sky.

Many thanks to Robert Hossary, GM NSW of American Chamber of Commerce, 11 Sep 2014, who provided me this quote!